The Advice from My Father Which Helped Us as a New Parent

"In my view I was merely just surviving for a year."

Former reality TV cast member Ryan Libbey expected to cope with the challenges of becoming a dad.

Yet the actual experience soon turned out to be "very different" to his expectations.

Serious health complications during the birth caused his partner Louise hospitalised. Abruptly he was thrust into acting as her chief support in addition to taking care of their infant son Leo.

"I handled every night time, every change… every walk. The duty of mother and father," Ryan shared.

After 11 months he became exhausted. It was a chat with his parent, on a park bench, that made him realise he needed help.

The straightforward phrases "You're not in a good place. You require assistance. In what way can I assist you?" paved the way for Ryan to speak honestly, ask for help and regain his footing.

His experience is far from unique, but seldom highlighted. Although society is now more accustomed to discussing the strain on moms and about postpartum depression, not enough is spoken about the struggles fathers face.

Seeking help isn't a weakness to ask for help

Ryan feels his difficulties are symptomatic of a broader inability to open up among men, who often hold onto harmful ideas of manhood.

Men, he says, tend to think they must be "the harbour wall that just gets hit and doesn't fall with each wave."

"It's not a display of being weak to ask for help. I failed to do that quick enough," he clarifies.

Clinical psychologist Dr Jill Domoney, a specialist focusing on mental health pre and post childbirth, says men often don't want to acknowledge they're struggling.

They can feel they are "not justified to be requesting help" - particularly ahead of a mother and child - but she stresses their mental state is vitally important to the household.

Ryan's conversation with his dad provided him with the opportunity to take a pause - spending a couple of days abroad, separate from the home environment, to gain perspective.

He understood he had to make a change to focus on his and his partner's emotional states as well as the logistical chores of looking after a newborn.

When he was honest with Louise, he discovered he'd missed "what she was yearning" -physical connection and hearing her out.

'Parenting yourself

That insight has changed how Ryan sees being a dad.

He's now composing Leo letters each week about his feelings as a dad, which he aspires his son will look at as he grows up.

Ryan hopes these will enable his son better understand the expression of emotion and make sense of his approach to fatherhood.

The notion of "reparenting" is something musician Professor Green - also known as Stephen Manderson - has also experienced deeply since fathering his son Slimane, who is now four.

During his childhood Stephen was without consistent male guidance. Even with having an "incredible" bond with his dad, deep-held emotional pain meant his father struggled to cope and was "coming and going" of his life, making difficult their connection.

Stephen says repressing feelings caused him to make "terrible choices" when he was younger to change how he was feeling, turning in alcohol and substances as a way out from the anguish.

"You gravitate to behaviours that are harmful," he says. "They can temporarily change how you are feeling, but they will ultimately cause more harm."

Advice for Managing as a New Father

• Open up to someone - if you feel overwhelmed, tell a friend, your spouse or a counsellor how you're feeling. Doing so may to lighten the load and make you feel less isolated.
• Keep up your interests - make time for the things that helped you to feel like you before becoming a parent. This might be exercising, meeting up with mates or gaming.
• Don't ignore the physical stuff - eating well, staying active and where possible, resting, all contribute in how your emotional health is faring.
• Spend time with other new dads - listening to their journeys, the messy ones, and also the joys, can help to validate how you're experiencing things.
• Understand that asking for help isn't failing - taking care of yourself is the most effective way you can look after your household.

When his father subsequently died by suicide, Stephen expectedly had difficulty processing the death, having not spoken to him for a long time.

Now being a father himself, Stephen's determined not to "perpetuate the cycle" with his child and instead give the security and emotional support he missed out on.

When his son starts to have a meltdown, for example, they try "shaking the feelings out" together - expressing the feelings in a healthy way.

Both Ryan and Stephen say they have become improved and more well-rounded men due to the fact that they acknowledged their pain, altered how they communicate, and taught themselves to control themselves for their children.

"I am now more capable of… sitting with things and dealing with things," says Stephen.

"I wrote that in a letter to Leo recently," Ryan shares. "I said, on occasion I think my purpose is to teach and advise you how to behave, but the truth is, it's a two-way conversation. I'm learning as much as you are through this experience."