Nighttime Comics Target Trump's New 'Gold Card' Visa Plan

Late-night's top comedians spent the evening mocking President Donald Trump's just launched immigration program, dubbed the "gold card," characterizing it as a blatant cash-for-residency scheme for the affluent.

Stephen Colbert's Sarcastic Analysis

Starting his show, Stephen Colbert presented a mock Christmas jingle directed at the president. "He is compiling a list, checking it twice, and then handing that list to the officials at ICE," he intoned. "The President ... destroys each thing he touches."

Colbert's target was the new initiative which allows international individuals to buy U.S. residence for the price of one million dollars, or "platinum" version for 5 million. An official page guarantees approval "with unprecedented speed."

"One message for you to rich immigrants: before you pony up, have you considered Canada?" Colbert joked.

He pointed out that the program is also intended to "get cash" from firms wanting to hire skilled workers, requiring large costs. "That's a lot of fees, though if you sign up, you additionally get two free nights at a property of your choice – if it's the Tampa Marriott Bonvoy," he continued.

"Unprecedented vetting the government has before done," said Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick, "that $15,000 vetting to verify these people truly qualify to be in America."

"That is important, you have to prove you're suitable to be an American," Colbert said dryly. "Question one: how many hamburgers would you eat for a free T-shirt?"

Jimmy Kimmel's Scathing Commentary

On his own show, Jimmy Kimmel referred to the initiative the "American Dream Express Card."

"Here's a card that will let affluent overseas citizens to live here," he said. "In exchange for a million bucks, you get legal resident status, you get a road to citizenship, and a president's pardon for one major crime of your choice."

"Maybe it's time to update that message on the Statue of Liberty – never mind your tired masses. Pay a million bucks, you're in!" he joked.

Kimmel teased the brevity of the form, noting it is "more difficult to start a Wordle account." He remarked that Trump "thinks citizenship is something you can sell, like a timeshare."

"That's right, the top people are the rich people," Kimmel quipped. "It's what Jesus constantly said! Read it in the Bible. He says it's simpler for a camel to go through the eye of a needle if you pay the needle a million dollars."

Seth Meyers discussing Grocery Concerns

On another network, Seth Meyers focused on Trump's slipping poll ratings during economic anxiety. "Voters gave Donald Trump a second term because they were upset about the economy," he noted.

This week, in a attempt to address prices, Trump conducted a press conference in front of a array of food items, where he reacted peculiarly to boxes of cereal.

"What a nice job, I think I'm going to take some of them with me to my place and have a lot of fun," Trump said. "Such as the Cheerios, I haven't seen Cheerios in a ages."

"He's so incredibly weird," Meyers reacted. "Like, you're going to take them home to your cottage to have a lot of fun with them? What exactly happens with those Cheerios?"

Meyers concluded by criticizing conservative media defenses of Trump's financial record. "Perhaps rather than voicing concerns, you should give him a sparkling trophy like what FIFA did," he joked.